How does one go about writing their thoughts down when I do everything to avoid mine. It’s not like they’re bad thoughts, it’s just that I have a lot of them. If I was to think about every thought with intention, I would be lost in thought 3/4 of the time. I just want to be…. Dealing with mental illness takes away from the ‘be’. To be or not to be that is the question. It’s a question that resonates with me, because if god truly wanted me to be this way, there has to be a silver lining. There has to be one immutable fact that separates me from madness. Or, maybe, that’s what it is. The sheer irony of this whole thing is the fascination that I have with the history of psychology. We still don’t know the origins of a lot of diseases. Ya, we can say chemical imbalance this and socialization that. Which, with scientific rigour can stand up in the paradigm. I’m looking for more though, after living with this now, I want to know more. I just think that there is so much more at play than we think. I’ve had a good couple of days where I put this blog off to the side, because I felt bogged down by it. It’s tough when you set goals for yourself and you don’t follow through on them; but, I felt overwhelmed. Therefore, I did what any rational person would do… I avoided my thoughts, I went on a bit of a tangent immersing myself in photography… haha. Then I watched ‘poor things’. Then, I golfed. I grounded myself after feeling overwhelmed, I lived in the moment. I just was. Which was a nice feeling, even if it was marred by crippling anxiety, I still put myself out there and had a great weekend. So far, it’s been a good year. But, I definitely felt myself starting to slip into old patterns in the bi polar realm, which is the scariest thing for me. I have a little PTSD from my past experiences, so I’m genuinely fearful of those situations popping up again. It’s like my creativity pops up, then the bad part of bi polar creeps in. The lament, the overwhelmed feeling, the spiral, the cyclical being trapped in the maze without an exit thought pattern.
The panic. I do love the creative parts though, even if they come with side effects. I’m medicated, this is what I constantly remind myself. I’m ok. The feeling will go away. I fear because I’ve been on different medications, different doses, etc. It seems like the Doc always has an answer but never has the answer. If that makes sense. I’m sorted out right now, with a whole bunch of medication. It’s working. I always fear about down the road though, because people on psychotropics usually have tardive dyskinesia set in later on, which is involuntary movement. The future scares me. What else will I have to deal with I.e. the long term side effects. It’s not like I can get off of the meds, I’m involuntary. I guess this is me now. Haha. What a difference. Maybe this was always me, now I’m just accepting of it. I always liked the movie ‘Wild’, maybe I need to go on a trek to prove to myself that I still have it. Oh ya, I only get divied up for the month with meds. So, I need to think of a month long trek. I don’t want to stray too far from the path though. I’m living in a constant paradox, when I want to stray, but I can’t even if I tried.
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