I wake up at 5am everyday, but as soon as I set an alarm for 5am…… I can’t sleep. This is the latent content I’m going through right now; the manifest content is my fight, flight, freeze, fawn response and it is going wild. Just as I fall asleep, my body rejects it, panics, I have a weird sensation, then I wake up. It’s a surreal feeling. It’s like my body is suspended in animation. Rrrr, I hate this feeling, I just want to sleep. Maybe I’m doing too much, my body is reacting to something and I have been putting in the metaphorical steps. I created a couple social media accounts and linked them to this website to get more readers. I know this is the problem. I don’t like to air out my dirty laundry, but in the name of science and catharsis, I’m willing to do so. It’s tough though. Like what are people thinking right now. I’m the type of person that doesn’t really post anything on Facebook. I hope they know I’m ok, I told my Dr. today and they were happy that I started a blog, because it’s a shame what people with mental health issues go though. I’ll be that martyr everyday to bring in a level of parity and equal footing again. Hell, I’d do it over and over again. The process of differing people based on a genetic condition is messed up. Or, the process of differing people based on a lived experience injury is equally messed up. I just want to open up the conversation. It’s ok, I’m fine, it only affects me when the conversation doesn’t get started. Like what is the big deal? Mental health issues are so misunderstood, it is not even a level playing field. I think they are misunderstood because everyone is afraid to have an adult conversation about it. Now, that my rant is over, I must go sleep. I’ll pop a PMR just in case. 4 hours of sleep. Not good. If I fall asleep in one minute. Haha. Luckily, it’s not a hard 5am wake up, I can kind of ease into the day. I just need those hours to wake up in the morning and prepare for the day. My appointment is at 8:45, but it is an irritable syndrome appointment, so I’m also stressing about that. Yay, generalized anxiety. It gets worse when anxiety compounds on different stressors. I get like this occasionally now, but when I was in the workforce, I used to be like this frequently. That was tough, and not knowing why. Atleast now we’ve uncovered the mechanisms of the why (trauma response) and provided medication if the form of pmr’s (Ativan) to treat myself. It’s not like it’s smooth sailing, but writing for me takes me off of the ledge, I’m feeling more at ease because I’m in a better situation now. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, now let’s see if I can fall asleep.
Ciao,
D
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