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It’s official 2024 is here. The first day was great, I brought in the new year in style, I had delicious food today, and I went for my favourite walk around Elk Lake. It couldn’t have been better. This is my first time with a blog, so I’m just getting used to it. Today is still pretty much a new day, I wanted to produce atleast one blog post per day. I was all excited about this concept to put my voice out there, I still am, but the vulnerability needed on a daily basis to keep this content online is stress inducing. What is it about mental health related topics that make people squeamish or uncomfortable. I went to a party last night and everyone kind of knows my situation, but they don’t really. I understand the concern, but I got so many ‘are you ok’s’ etc, I felt like I was cared for, but sometimes it’s just difficult to feel the same as everyone else when people are taking over the guardianship approach. I like that people care, but it’s just tough when you used to look after these people in hockey if shit went sideways and now they’re concerned for your well being. No, that’s my job, I was always concerned for your safety, that’s what I do. I think of my past lives in the military and social work, that’s what I did, I was a protector. That was my role. I got paid for it. It was cool. Now, people are concerned for my well being. That’s a hard pill to swallow especially when the role reversal occurs. Don’t get me wrong, I find it cute, because I do feel stronger this year already because of it. My anxiety is the thing that really occupies my time, because I stress about everyone else’s thoughts about me. Living with generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar 1, it’s a pretty dangerous mix. I can spiral into a downward depression or be hyper-vigilant about my anxiety on a given interaction. I’m basically the poster boy for anxiety these days. I perspire out of my shirt, I have stomach issues, everything that can be thought up about going wrong, gets thought up, I do password rehearsal, I grind my teeth, and the list goes on….. it’s hard to maintain equilibrium when you are constantly arguing with yourself I.e. I need to reassure myself with a ‘it’s ok Derrick’ when ever I have a invasive thought. And, invasive thoughts are my forte. I excel at creating weird and unexpecting narratives that sometimes get me into hospital. It’s tough and hard to know what’s fact or fiction when you are spiraling out of control. It’s very tough. I feel like I should have some kind of blunt object like ‘inception’ to bring me back to reality sometimes. This is the life that god gave me though, and I’m going to live the best life I can. It’s been fun, luckily I had a fire in my belly in my younger days and I was able to experience quite a bit by an early age before my mental health really started kicking my ass. Living with daily anxiety is tough because all of my old thoughts are still there, like I still want to do all of the crazy stuff that I used to do; but, I can’t, it will cripple me at this point in my recovery. I have hope that in the future I will be able to do a couple of things that are still on the bucket list. But, for the most part, I’m afraid of the future because my diseases have been so unpredictable and time consuming. I spent close to 70 days in hospital in 2023, thats a sliver of the year. Wow, I look back now and realize this is wild. I’ve never been so fragile and weak in my entire life. I’m optimistic though, I want 2024 to be a better year, I don’t want any hospitalizations because they really do set you back in life. I’m starting to have working memory issues and my biggest fear is Alzheimer’s, so that’s fun, my deep thoughts go down that road quite frequently. I’m always watching for signs and symptoms, etc. The anxiety takes over on a second to second basis, the only thing that gives me respite is writing. It occupies my time, I don’t think about anything other than what I’m trying to write down. It’s clear, it’s concise, there’s no ambiguity - I feel heard. Yes, there is some anxiety with how people will receive my writing, but ultimately I don’t really care what people think of me which is hilarious; because, that right there is the most confusing thing about me. I care so much what think of me that I just give up if people don’t like me. It’s like I can sense when someone doesn’t like me and I just give up. Then, when you give up on the bulk of the population, you begin not to care if anyone likes you. It’s a weird cycle, yes, I’m bi-polar. But, my feelings need validation. I don’t like people because I was rejected early on then I became hypersensitive to people, which gave me a weird response. My anxiety still makes me a people pleaser, so I constantly live with cognitive dissonance that occasionally manifests in disassociation. Hence the hospitalizations. I’m just weird and over complicated, but simple. I’m like a Toyota Tercel with a big block 454 in it.
This year, I hope to do at-least one post per day. I find writing therapeutic, so thank you for joining me in my therapeutic journey. It will most likely be mental health based focal point. If any one has any questions, please ask them.
Kind regards,
D
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